Dear Lizzy,
I’m part of a tight friend group that’s been together since a college abroad trip and at this point includes about five married couples, some with kids, some without. We’ve done so much together over the years and been there for each other and really they are part of my family. One partner in one couple recently announced to her wife that she is
no longer interested in monogamy and is going to date other people but plans to stay in the house and continue to raise their child. This wasn’t a public announcement, but I heard about it through the friend grapevine.
Both women are my friends, but I am so hurt for the one who is essentially getting downgraded to live-in nanny. We do so many things together as a group, but I am wondering, can I start not inviting the wife who is opting out of her marriage? Do I still have to include both of them on the text chain? Complicating matters: Our kids are tight with their kid.
Picking Sides
Dear Picking Sides,
Friend groups can be tricky! But just like families, a lot can be solved, or at least revealed, by honest conversation. So my first question is: Have you talked to the friend who you say is being relegated to the nanny position yet?
If all of your information about this new familial arrangement is coming third-hand through the gossip tree, it’s likely you are missing some important details. The most important? What does your friend want?
Instead of defending her honor by ignoring her spouse, invite her out for coffee and see how she’s doing. If she’s still living with her wife, then it’s possible that she’s OK with the arrangement, if the arrangement even is what you’ve heard, because it may not be!
Let her wishes guide you. Maybe she wants time with the friends without her wife, or maybe she wants things to stay the same.
Either way, you also don’t need to be cruel to her wife. I’m not saying go out of your way to be best friends if that wasn’t your relationship before, but you could also ask her out for coffee and see how she is doing. They are both mothers to your children’s friend, after all.
Relationships change, and people break up and that doesn’t mean one of them has to be the bad guy. It would be easier, of course, if things were that black and white, but they just aren’t. So extend both your friends a little grace. You might need some yourself someday.
Good luck!
Lizzy
Read more Why Tho? here.
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