Me with my kids, from left, Dury, Demi and Zade, a few years ago in Birmingham, Alabama.
Karim Shamsi-Basha
It was midnight, and my son, Zade, now 33, was three months old in his crib, wailing.
I would rock him to sleep while singing: “Hush Little Baby, You Are My Sunshine, Amazing Grace” and while begging the gods of this universe to quiet him down. Around two in the morning, he fell asleep, and I passed out on top of the covers.
I woke up a couple of hours later to Zade crying again. This time, he was kicking his feet as if trying to get them through the footsies of his pajamas. I narrowed my eyebrows, then I got scissors and carefully cut them off. And like magic, Zade fell back into a peaceful sleep.
I remember similar stories with Dury, 29, and Demi, 25. Dury used the pacifier, his “Deedee,” until he was 3 or 4. We knew when he wanted it, and if we didn’t provide it, we faced severe consequences.
And my baby girl, Demi, my little “Nutmeg.” In fifth grade, this little angel asked me how to say, in Arabic, “I am a moron.” Later that day, I received a call from the school principal telling me about the adorable Demi teaching her teacher how to say, in Arabic, “I am smart!!”
Demi, Dury and Zade pose for a photograph at the beach in Seaside, Florida, when they were young.
Karim Shamsi-Basha
I can go on and on, but let’s get back to fatherhood, a word so encompassing and beautiful. A word that means the world.
Becoming a father to three brilliant and beautiful children has taught me a lot about life and unconditional love. A love much unlike anything else, deep, way down there in that place reserved for sacred things, sacrificial things. A love that resembles a flowing river with fierce rapids, its waters brushing the banks, their trees sending dancing shadows.
Am I a better human being since I became a father? I think so. I have three young people that are more important than life itself. There is nothing I wouldn’t do for them, and the beautiful thing is, they are aware of that fact, and they love it.
What have I learned from fatherhood?
Patience
Patience was never one of my virtues, but I had to learn. The many sleepless nights are a good example. My three kids are four years apart, which means 10-ish years or so without decent sleep. All good. It was worth it.
Traditions
When I was little, I used to hide from momma in my father’s abaaye (Middle Eastern camel-hair house robe). When my kids were little, they hid in mine. I also used to read them pretend books – made-up stories while holding my palm up as the book. And when I woke them up, I would ask them, “Did you go to the moon?” Most of the time, they would say “No.” But on occasion, they would grin and say, “Yeah.” I trust they will pass similarly sweet traditions onto their own kids.
Dury, Zade and Demi at Zade’s wedding in Lakeworth, Florida.
Karim Shamsi-Basha
Emotional Intelligence
Most women are quite proficient in this area because women are much smarter than men. Women perceive and evaluate emotions, and they look ahead while considering the past. The women in my life planned their entire lives while in their teens. When I was a teenager, thinking about what I was doing the next hour was my main concern. Fatherhood helps here.
Priorities
Focus on what’s truly important. Your wife/husband/partner, then your kids. If the parents are happy, the kids will be happy. Make a date night with your partner a weekly event. It is essential for the two of you to connect and remember why you loved each other in the first place. When kids come, much of that connection gives way.
Kindness
Fathers are expected to set rules and ensure the kids stay the course. Enforce the rules while reminding them of your love. This is huge. If they violate a rule, reasonable discipline is fine, but keep it kind. Timeouts work like magic. As they grow up, heart-to-heart talks, with the eyes locked.
I gained another daughter when Zade married his sweetheart, Caroline Glass.
Karim Shamsi-Basha
Friendship
Be friends with your kids’ friends. Hopefully, their friends will like you, which will lead your teenage kids to reluctantly admit you into the “My father is not as stupid as I thought” club. Later, your kids will become your best friends, and life will be the sweetest.
Big Picture
They will do stupid stuff like getting a tattoo on their arm by a friend, who did it with an electric toothbrush! Or smoking weed, then denying it while laughing uncontrollably with bloodshot eyes or staying out way past curfew and drinking enough to end up in the emergency room. Eventually, they will grow up. Lighten up. Once you wore those shoes.
Love
Show love. Communicate love. Embrace love. You cannot love them enough. Love your babies until you think there is no more love left in the universe, then love them some more.
Happy Father’s Day, and remember to remove any footsies on their feet . . . so they can fly.
Stories by
Karim Shamsi-Basha
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This N.J. restaurant offers fine food fast!
