Greetings, Miss Manners For ten days, my husband and I welcomed an old friend at our house. She had informed me that she finds staying with friends to be a convenient way to travel and that she enjoys doing so for extended periods of time.
She failed to pack her own slippers, vitamins, and other necessities for the restroom. All of the planning and driving was done by us. Every day, we prepared and served breakfast, lunch, and dinner in addition to offering wine and beer. (She usually drinks a lot more than we do.)
She would frequently ask for the day’s food, and I would make a grocery list. She would go shopping with me and indicate things she believed would be useful. She consistently responded, “I’ll have whatever you’re having,” even when I asked her to buy things off the menu.
If she looks at the check long enough, someone will grab it, she joked to me in private. We informed her that if she didn’t mind separate checks, we would be pleased to go out to eat. I should make sure my husband was on the same page, she suggested, adding that a man’s ego frequently precludes this. (He was.)
We went out to eat once with another couple, and each person got their own check. At the conclusion of her visit, she thanked us by taking us out to supper.
Until the very end, when I drove her to the airport, I think we were a generous host, as my etiquette taught me to be. But it seems to me that our kindness was exploited.
What’s the line? Will a longer-term visitor be expected to contribute? Without a doubt, I will give a future invitation considerable thought.
GENTLE READER: Miss Manners acknowledges that your buddy did not live up to the expectations of a longer-term guest. However, since any equalization of cost is intended to happen over the balancing of invitations—not within a single visit—it might be difficult to determine where the line is drawn.
Your friend’s comments about a man’s ego, joining the shopping excursion and standing at the checkout desk without ever offering to pay, and making jokes about staring at the check were the things that most offended you. If she could learn when to keep her thoughts to herself, she would be a much more successful moocher and a much more agreeable houseguest.
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