TO ANNIE: For everything from rides across town to hours-long sessions of ranting to favors that always seem urgent, my brother depends on me for support. His requests seem to be increasing in frequency lately. Since I don’t want to offend him or leave him hanging when he’s going through a difficult time, I always say yes, even when I’m worn out or overwhelmed.
I don’t want to be forced to decline him. I enjoy supporting those close to me, especially my family.
In actuality, though, I’m beginning to feel bitter. Hearing from him instantly fills me with dread. Although I know that something needs to change, I’m not sure how to refuse him without endangering our friendship or making him feel unwelcome.
Why is it so difficult to establish limits with those you love? And how can I look after myself properly without feeling like I’m disappointing him? — Sick of Saying “Yes”
HI TIRED: You are down to the last drop from the sound of it, and you cannot pour from an empty cup. Saying, “I need some space to recharge,” is not rude. Good relationships are protected by boundaries, not destroyed. He will understand if he values you.
***
TO ANNIE: I appreciate your insightful and forceful letter underlining the need of keeping relationship facts confidential.
As though those rules don’t apply among friends, I’ve seen that some women feel it’s quite acceptable to inquire about someone’s sexual life, as if there were some sort of unwritten female code. Those discussions have always made me uneasy, and I frequently wondered how to end them politely without coming across as obnoxious or unduly defensive.
I therefore greatly valued your advise. Your beautiful and succinct statement, “I never kiss and tell,” was excellent. It conveys self-respect without provoking more inquiries and is forceful without coming across as defensive.
I’ve tried stating things like, “I don’t like to talk about sexual stuff with anyone, and I know my boyfriend wouldn’t be comfortable with it either,” in the past. This is sincere, but it frequently results in awkward silences or uncomfortable looks. Your wording is far superior; it makes the line obvious while maintaining levity.
I appreciate you providing me (and so many others) the courage and kindness to defend our privacy. — Appreciative
DEAR THANKFUL: I felt very wonderful after reading your letter. I appreciate your nice remarks. I feel incredibly honored.
That the message struck a chord with you makes me very happy. I really believe that we can maintain our privacy while remaining self-assured and kind. Your decision to print it out and distribute it to others is fantastic. I hope it gives more young women the confidence to set the boundaries that work for them, particularly those attending college.
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