TO ANNIE: I have four children, and my former in-laws kindly fostered my two youngest children, who are now nine and thirteen, during a trying period a few years ago. I am sincerely appreciative of their continued involvement and concern.
The issue is that my 13-year-old son frequently feels excluded. He has ODD and ADHD, and although he can be difficult at times, he is also very sensitive. He recently contacted to inquire about visiting and swimming, but was informed that his foster grandmother would not be in town. They invited his sister for a swim and an overnight stay two days later. He was obviously upset, and when she got home, he took it out on her.
Even though his sister’s birthday was celebrated the month prior, his birthday was forgotten by both sides of the family. I can see it bothers him, even if he acts as though it doesn’t.
Without coming across as ungrateful, how can I politely bring this up with his grandparents and former foster family? How can I explain to them that my son wants to feel loved and accepted? — I’m in pain for my son.
DEAR HURTING: It’s fortunate that your boy has a mother who understands him completely, sensitivity and all. And you have good reason to be worried. A child’s feeling of value can be subtly undermined by being ignored on a regular basis, particularly when compared to a sibling.
First, follow your gut. This disappointment is not a one-time occurrence. There is a pattern. You can speak up for your son, but you don’t have to make accusations or initiate conflict. A small, considerate discussion could make a big difference. Say something along the lines of, “I know my son can be a handful at times, but he’s a good kid with a big heart, and he really notices when he’s left out.” If he felt equally welcome, it would mean a lot to both him and me.
Bring up the missed birthday in a tactful yet direct manner. Even those with the best of intentions might be unaware. I wanted to bring up the fact that his birthday went by without a call, you may say. He won’t acknowledge how much it wounded him. He truly admires you. You’re not assigning blame. They are being reminded that your son is important as well.
Favoritism has a genuine influence even if it is inadvertent. Continue to support your son and serve as his interpreter when necessary. Despite his rough exterior, he is really a little child who longs to be accepted and loved.
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