TO ERIC: For many years, I have been married to a great woman. She has years of real-world experience in addition to her education. However, her interruptions during my delivery are the one thing that makes me bite the bullet. She will argue that I’m taking too long to make a point, even in a brief opening line, when I dare to confront her about interrupting me (since she knows what I am going to say anyhow).
In addition, I have a degree in engineering and years of real-world experience. My approach to conversation is different. I wait, listening intently, and by the time the other person finishes, I’ve brushed off what I was about to say so I don’t have to go back to where the conversation started and the context shifted.
I avoid interruptions. I’ll put up a finger. She frequently refuses to quit, and I don’t want to turn the topic back. What do you think about how people communicate in such a setting? Yes, I am too docile. However, I don’t want a debate about a debate that doesn’t address the underlying problem.
Not interrupted
DEAR UNINTERRUPTED: No one individual has the authority to establish the parameters of a discussion. Therefore, that conversation needs to be a two-way interaction that you are developing together, regardless of whether she is planning ahead or, heaven forbid, is growing a bit bored.
I recognize how challenging your position is; discussing how difficult it is to communicate with one another may often be more annoying than helpful. Try experimenting with a single topic or period of time. Take dinner, for example. I’d want to share a story with you; you can tell her. It would be fantastic if you would allow me to finish thinking, even though you might get ahead of me. Are you able to hear? She might change her perspective if the expectations are clear. She may change her behavior and response, and this isn’t your terrible speech; rather, it’s a chance for connection.
Couples may find some conversational cue card games useful, and they could also be a good place to test changing the dynamic. Where Should We Begin? is a card game by Esther Perel that I really enjoy. As part of the game, pick a card, decide on a night, and promise each other that you will listen to the other person completely before answering.
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