To Eric, I’ve spent the majority of my twenties with my partner, and although I still adore him, I’m not sure if I still find him attractive.
He has ceased taking care of himself considerably in the past few years. I find it difficult to maintain my appeal as an extremely active and healthy person (I regularly lift weights, ride a bike, run marathons, etc.) when he doesn’t exercise, eats poorly, consumes hundreds of grams of sugar daily, and generally leads a very inactive lifestyle.
He has changed physically as a result of those things, and his body has changed from being in his 20s to being in his 30s. However, our shared lifestyle is also missing in that regard.
Am I being self-centered here? I want to think my boyfriend is handsome, but when I return from a 10-mile run and he is eating fried chicken and fries, I question whether this will ever change.
Girlfriend Stuck
To My Girlfriend: Our values are reflected in the way we spend our time. Intimate connections are especially affected by this. Couples occasionally question why they’ve become so far from one another before realizing they never spend any time together. They are still in love, but love requires work.
Without passing judgment on your boyfriend’s actions or your own, it’s obvious that you two are missing some common ground. The physical attractiveness and disparate eating habits may be so prominent because of this lack of connection.
People will change, their bodies will change, and their lifestyles will change, as you point out. Effective communication maintains the context of those changes. Focus less on the no’s and more on the yeses while trying to figure out whether you’re still attracted to your lover.
What do you discuss? What activities do you enjoy doing together? What about him appeals to you? It can seem like he has no passions of his own because of his lack of enthusiasm for jogging, which is something you care about. Is that true, really?
Although the physical is vital, it is constantly evolving and linked to the mental and emotional. You could need to reintroduce yourselves to one another, or you might have outgrown one another. It is worthwhile to find out.
To Eric, With our spouses and three very close friends, I had arranged a trip to Mexico. After the week we were all supposed to be together, my friend, who frequently visits, was planning to stay for two more weeks. She also frequently goes with her son and his girlfriend, whom I have never met. Although he won’t be staying with us, the son and girlfriend scheduled a visit at the same time as our trip.
Now fast-forward to making a hotel reservation. Since it would be less expensive, we were given a quote for our portion of the rental fee if her kid stayed with us.
Since I didn’t agree to that, am I wrong for pulling out? Is expecting a holiday with just your pals selfish?
Why do I seem to be the only one who finds the extra guests problematic?
Not Very Enjoyable
To Fun: I don’t think it’s selfish of you to want what you want because this isn’t the vacation you had in mind. If the son and his girlfriend were simply participating for meals or events and everyone had their own rentals, that would be one thing. That might be a lot of fun. However, the dynamic shifts in the more intimate setting of a shared rental.
Indeed, budget plays a significant role in holiday planning, but so does the vacation’s theme. You leave to spend time with those you know and care about. The people you’re with and the types of discussions you can have will affect how you experience a new area. Therefore, whomever is spearheading the planning effort would be wise to recognize that a lower per couple rate is not the sole goal.
Additionally, it still costs money even though it is less expensive. Most likely a substantial sum of money. Therefore, it is reasonable to choose not to spend your money on something that you do not desire.
It makes sense to back out if the disruption to your friendship can be tolerated. But if your friend takes it personally, it’s easy to see how this may turn into a cause of disagreement (how dare you not want to spend time with my son?). You don’t want to incur that expense.
Instead of rejecting it, talk it out again from a position of potential. Tell them about your dream vacation and why, and then work with them to see if you can still make it happen.
Questions can be sent to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or by mail at P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Subscribe to his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com and follow him on Instagram.)
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