Dear Lizzy,
My family has had a long-planned, non-refundable and much-anticipated vacation to the mountains scheduled for next week, but now I am being asked to go on a last-minute work trip. I would say no to the work trip, but it is related to a project that I am managing, and I need to go. It’s the sort of thing that, if I don’t go, I won’t be doing my job, and I might get fired.
My wife isn’t happy and thinks I am choosing work over family, but I need this job to pay for trips and support my family. How can I fix this?
Work Guilt Trip
Dear Work Guilt Trip,
This is a tricky situation. Of course, one should pick family over work, but what happens when the work situation is mandatory and the family situation is not? Or I guess, how do you decide what is mandatory?
From your letter, I am getting the impression that you have decided this trip is mandatory, whether your wife likes it or not. That’s a choice you are making, so you need to be ready for the consequences: She might be disappointed and mad. And you should probably not react defensively when she expresses those feelings to you. They are valid reactions to a last-minute change of fun plans.
I think, though, before you resign yourself to an angry wife, you can try to have a real conversation with her about why you need to go on this trip. Talk to her not just about the consequences to you, but also the consequences to your family. Attempt to bring her around and make sure she understands that you are also upset about this turn of events. Practice saying, “I hear you. This really sucks and I am not happy about it either.”
You can also plead your case with your employer. You can explain the importance of the family trip and see if you can attend some of the work trip remotely. Or get the company to pay for some of the trip you have to cancel and reschedule. Either way, at least asking might go towards showing your wife you are serious about your familial obligations, too.
If your work won’t budge or pay for a reschedule, and even if she agrees you need to go, she still has every right to be disappointed. But there are some ways that you can mitigate that disappointment.
I think she should go on the trip without you. Can she bring a friend or family member instead? I’m sure you are lovely, but a trip without your spouse can be its own kind of fun.
If that doesn’t work for her, or the trip just needs to be canceled for whatever reason, or even not, even if she goes without you, I suggest you start planning a trip you know for sure you can go on (barring illness, etc., of course) right now.
You say you have this job so you can pay for trips, so follow through with that. Work with your wife to plan a better trip than the one you are canceling, something your wife has expressed interest in.
In my experience, planning a future trip takes a lot of the sting out of a canceled current trip. And actually, planning a trip is pretty much the best part anyway.
Good luck!
Lizzy
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