DEAR ERIC: Summer months are upon us and most students will soon be heading home from college for their vacations, except mine. Every summer since starting college they have worked a summer job that required them to live on-site, a couple hours’ drive away from home.
This year, because that seasonal position was eliminated, they have found a job in their college town (300 miles away) and will remain there all summer.
I’m so proud of their desire for independence, as well as their ability to tend to all their needs – cooking good food, keeping a budget, staying organized and having a healthy mix of work and play. I guess “adulting,” right?
All that being said, how do I fight this tiny nagging feeling that pops up every so often, that makes me wonder if they enjoyed “home” and us (their parents) more, they wouldn’t want to stay away all summer?
– Summertime Sadness
DEAR SUMMERTIME: Oh my, this is a complicated feeling, isn’t it? You’re rightfully proud of your kids and their independence, but at what cost?
Reframing this might help a lot. They likely don’t see this as a choice between enjoying home with you and earning money. It’s possible that, instead, it feels like a natural progression. Sometimes kids, especially in the college years, take for granted that home will always be there. This can hurt, but it’s also reassuring evidence that you’ve created a stable and loving environment. If home is “always there,” that frees them to explore the world, try their skills and make mistakes, knowing they have a soft place to land.
The soft place can be lonely, I understand. But being an adult child – or a child coming into adulthood – isn’t always a choice between parents and life. Sometimes it’s a move toward expansion, a bigger life. There will be growing pains but try to congratulate yourself for raising kids who feel confident enough to “adult.” And maybe consider paying them a vacation visit.
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